tips for parents

Effective Alternatives to Physical Punishment

These are alternatives for parents and other caregivers with a focus on child development. They present strategies which can lead to less violent behavior in children and adults, and they can help decrease the frustration and helplessness in parents which often lead to physical punishment.

1. One of the most useful ways to achieve healthy child development is to promote words instead of actions. As Anny Katan eloquently summarized: “If a child would verbalize his feelings, he would learn to delay action.” Increasing the child’s capacity to put words to feelings and actions results in increased tension regulation, self-awareness, and thoughtful decision making. This process is accomplished by:

a. Talking and using words instead of actions – talk rather than hit. Talk with the child about what behaviors are acceptable or not, what is safe or dangerous, and why.

b. Listening to the child – find out why he/she did or did not do something.

c. Explaining your reasons – this will enhance the child’s decision-making capacities.

2. The word “discipline” comes from the Latin word for “teaching” or “learning.” Children’s behaviors have meaning, and behaviors are directly connected to inner feelings. Thus, discipline is a process which addresses behaviors and the feelings which cause them.

3. Help the child label his or her feelings with words as early as possible. The nine inborn feelings (interest, enjoyment, surprise, distress, anger, fear, shame, disgust, and dissmell) should be labeled with words. This will facilitate tension regulation and aid the transition to more mature ways of handling emotion.

4. Positive reinforcement – rewards and praise – will enhance the child’s self-esteem when appropriate standards are met. Positive reinforcement is more effective in obtaining long-term behavioral compliance than frightening and shaming punishments.

5. Set a good example for the child. The child wants to be like the parents. Children identify with their parents, and they will put feelings and actions into words when they see their parents doing this. Who the parents are, and how they behave, will have a profound impact on the development of their children. Your child will follow your lead.